The Interpersonal Effectiveness Triangle: No matter what the situation we are constantly balancing these three things.
There is a quiet little decision point underneath almost every hard conversation you have:
Am I going to fight for the outcome?
Am I going to protect the relationship?
Am I going to protect my relationship with myself?
Can I be true to myself in this scenario? What does it mean to compromise here? Is this worth it?
DBT calls this the interpersonal effectiveness triangle, and once you see it, you can’t unsee it. You start to realize: “Oh. I’m not just having a fight with my partner. I’m unconsciously choosing one corner of this triangle and ignoring the others.” How can we be effective, honor ourselves and show up for relationships that matter?
Let’s walk through each corner and how to use it on purpose—without abandoning the rest of you in the process.
Corner 1: The Objective – What Do I Want to Happen?
This is the “results” corner. Here, the main question is: What do I want to happen in this interaction?
Maybe you want:
Your boss to approve your time off.
Your partner to share more of the household load.
Your friend to stop canceling last minute.
Your kid to get off the iPad and go to bed.
This is where DEARMAN lives:
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate.
You are:
Clear.
Direct.
Specific about what you’re asking for or what you’re saying no to.
This corner deserves to be chosen when:
There’s a concrete, time‑sensitive decision.
A boundary needs to be set.
Logistics, safety, money, or health are on the line.
The risk if you live here all the time?
You can “win the battle and lose the war.” You might get the raise, the compliance, the short‑term outcome, and quietly erode trust, tenderness, or your own values in the process. You walk away with the result, but you don’t like who you had to become to get it, or how it landed on the other person.
Corner 2: The Relationship – How Do I Want Us to Feel After?
This corner asks a different primary question: How do I want this person to feel about me—and us—after this conversation?
Here, the focus is on connection, safety, and long‑term closeness.
This is where GIVE comes in:
Gentle, Interested, Validating, Easy manner.
You:
Softly name what’s happening.
Stay curious and present.
Reflect back their perspective (“I can see why that would feel…”)
Use warmth, a bit of humor, maybe a softened tone.
You emphasize this corner when:
You’re talking with kids, partners, family, or anyone fragile/precious to you.
You’re in a repair conversation after a rupture.
The outcome matters, but how you get there matters even more.
The risk if you live here at your own expense?
You become the peacekeeper who never actually has peace. You keep things “nice” on the surface while quietly swallowing needs, limits, and truths. Over time, that turns into resentment, burnout, and feeling unknown in your own life. The relationship might look stable from the outside, but it’s built on you disappearing.
Corner 3: Self‑Respect – Who Am I in This?
The question at this corner is: How do I want to feel about myself after this conversation?
This is about your integrity, your values, your side of the street.
Here, we bring in FAST:
Fair, (limit unnecessary) Apologies, Stick to values, Truthful.
You are:
Honest, even when (especially when) it’s uncomfortable.
Fair to both yourself and the other person.
Willing to say, “I can’t agree to that,” or “That doesn’t sit right with me.”
Careful not to over‑apologize for existing, having needs, or disagreeing.
You prioritize this corner when:
A request crosses your boundaries or values.
You’ve been chronically people‑pleasing and abandoning yourself.
You notice that every time you say “yes,” a part of you quietly wilts.
The risk if you live only here?
You can end up righteous but alone, “principled,” but inflexible. You may protect your self‑respect in a way that closes you off from compromise, vulnerability, or relational repair.
How to Actually Use the Triangle in Real Life
Most of us default to one corner without realizing it, usually the one that helped us survive in our family system.
The work is not to pick a “right” corner.
The work is to start choosing consciously, be intentional and flexible.
Before or during a hard interaction, pause and name:
“This one is mostly about the objective.”
“Here, the relationship has to come first.”
“In this moment, I need to protect my self‑respect.”
From there, you choose your lead skills:
If the objective is primary → lead with DEARMAN.
If the relationship is primary → lead with GIVE.
If self‑respect is primary → lead with FAST.
And then—this is important—you don’t drop the other two corners completely.
If you’re advocating for a raise (objective), you still:
Speak respectfully (relationship), and
Avoid exaggerating or selling yourself out (self‑respect).
If you’re soothing your child after a meltdown (relationship), you still:
Hold the bedtime boundary (objective), and
Don’t shame yourself into over‑explaining or apologizing for having limits (self‑respect).
If you’re saying no to a request that violates your values (self‑respect), you still:
Express it clearly and specifically (objective), and
Deliver it with kindness and validation (relationship).
Healthy interactions rarely sit at just one point. They consider all three, even if one is in the foreground.
A Tiny Practice You Can Use Today
Next time you feel that familiar “oh no, this is going to be a Thing” feeling in your body, try this mini check‑in:
Put a small triangle in your notes or in your mind.
Label the corners: O (objective), R (relationship), S (self‑respect).
Ask:
What’s my primary goal right now?
Which corner am I habitually over‑prioritizing?
What would it look like to bring in just 5% more of the other two?
You don’t have to nail it perfectly. You’re just practicing noticing and choosing.
Interpersonal effectiveness is not about never fumbling a conversation.
It’s about steadily growing the part of you that can pause, locate yourself on the triangle, and shift—on purpose—toward a life where your needs, your relationships, and your integrity all get a seat at the table.