The Most Common Suffering is the Kind We Mistakenly Cause: Why We Need to Stop Fighting Reality
"This can't be happening."
"This isn't fair."
"It shouldn't be this way."
How much time do we waste arguing with reality? We rage at the traffic jam, we bargain with the past, and we refuse to accept that things didn't go the way we planned. This fight, this internal war against what is, is exhausting. And it's a war you can never win. There is so much outside our control, one thing we can control is how we use and more importantly, protect our energy.
Pain is a part of life. There is no getting around it. But turning that pain into prolonged suffering? That's optional. And the primary way we create suffering is by refusing to accept the facts of our reality. By trying to change the unchangeable or refusing to accept something in our lives that is not ours to fix/change/or solve.
This is where one of the most challenging, and most life-changing, DBT skills comes in: Radical Acceptance.
Radical acceptance is the conscious choice to see reality for exactly what it is, without judgment, approval, or resistance. It’s looking at a painful situation and saying, “Okay, this is happening,” rather than wasting precious energy fighting it.
Let's Be Clear: What Radical Acceptance Is NOT
This is where most people get tripped up. Radical acceptance is not a sign of weakness; it’s actually a profound act of strength.
It is NOT approval. Accepting a situation doesn't mean you like it, agree with it, or condone it. You can radically accept that you were treated unfairly without ever approving of the behavior.
It is NOT giving up. It’s the opposite. Radical acceptance isn't passivity; it's the essential first step you must take before you can effectively problem-solve or create change. You can’t change a situation you refuse to fully acknowledge.
It is NOT forgiveness. You don't have to forgive anyone to radically accept that a painful event happened. Acceptance is for your own peace, to end your internal suffering.
It is NOT a one-time thing. This is a moment-to-moment practice. Your mind will want to go back to fighting reality. You will have to "turn the mind" toward acceptance over and over again.
How to Use Radical Acceptance in Your Real, Messy Life
So what does this actually look like? Let's break it down.
1. When You're Stuck in Traffic
You're on your way to an important appointment and you hit a complete standstill. Your heart starts pounding and your mind screams, "This can't be happening! This is so unfair!" That's the fight with reality. It creates rage and anxiety but does nothing to move the cars. That's suffering.
Radical Acceptance in Action:
Acknowledge the Facts: "The fact is, I am in a traffic jam. I cannot change this right now."
Validate Your Feelings: "I feel angry and anxious. Of course I do. It makes sense to feel this way."
Turn the Mind: Shift from what you can't control (the traffic) to what you can. "Okay, since I'm stuck, I can call my appointment to let them know I'm late, or I can listen to a podcast." By accepting the reality of being stuck, you free up your mental energy to cope instead of stewing in rage.
2. When a Relationship Ends
The pain is immense. Your mind is a relentless loop of "what ifs" and "if onlys." You're consumed with thoughts of what you could have done differently. This internal battle against the truth keeps you stuck in a cycle of bargaining and despair.
Radical Acceptance in Action:
Acknowledge the Painful Truth: Allow yourself to say, "The relationship is over. This is my reality now, and it hurts."
Validate Your Pain: "It is completely understandable that I feel heartbroken and lost. This person was important to me."
Let Go of Fighting the "Why": Notice when your mind gets caught trying to change the past. Gently guide it back to the present reality. It's only by fully accepting that the relationship has ended that you can begin to grieve and heal.
3. When You Make a Big Mistake at Work
Your stomach drops. You realize you made a significant error in a report that's already been sent out. Your mind floods with shame: "I'm so stupid. I'm going to get fired." This self-attack and catastrophic thinking only increases your panic and makes it harder to think clearly.
Radical Acceptance in Action:
State the Fact, Not the Judgment: "The fact is, there is a mistake in the report." (Not, "I am a failure.")
Accept the Moment: "Okay, this happened. I cannot go back in time and change it. Fighting this reality won't fix the report."
Shift to Problem-Solving: Once you stop wasting energy on self-blame, you can ask, "What is the next effective step?" This allows you to calmly draft a correction email and communicate with your boss from a place of accountability, not panic.
Radical acceptance is about choosing effectiveness over being right. It's about conserving your energy for the things you can actually change, and finding peace with the things you can't. It's not easy, but it is the path to freedom.
What am I resisting that is causing me suffering? Can I accept it as it is, just in this moment? Consider what might change it I did…
Keep fighting the good fight!
xx Meghan