The DBT Skill That Puts You Back in the Driver's Seat
Feeling overwhelmed? Your emotions may be the problem! Have you ever had an emotion so intense it felt like the absolute truth?
Maybe your partner was quiet for too long, and your brain immediately screamed, "They're mad at me." Or your boss sent a one-word email, and you spiraled into thinking, "I'm about to get fired." And then spent 2 hours looking for a new job only to find out they wanted to discuss a new project initiative with you.
Our emotions are powerful. They're valid. But they are not always reliable reporters of reality. The problem often related to the fact that our brains quite literally cannot tell the difference between reality as it is, and reality as we think it is. In other words, the story we tell ourselves about ourselves can impact…well, everything.
Often, we aren't reacting to an event itself, but to the story we're telling ourselves about the event. This is where we can get into trouble, creating a world of suffering based on assumptions and interpretations rather than facts.
That's where a very powerful DBT skill comes in: Check the Facts.
This skill is your personal detective work. It’s about slowing down and figuring out if your emotional reaction actually fits the situation. When we change our thoughts to fit the facts, we can change how we feel. I always tell me clients and therapists I train and supervise, when we are dealing with emotion regulation we often have two main targets: 1. Does this emotion fit the facts, as in, it is the correct emotion for this situation we are in? And, 2. Is it measured? Is it the right about of the emotion to have. For example, am I responding at a 9 when the situation only calls for a 2-3.
A Step-by-Step Guide to Checking the Facts
Think of this as your emotional regulation toolkit. The next time you feel an overwhelming emotion taking over, pause and walk through these steps.
Step 1: Name the Emotion You Want to Change.
First, what is it? Anger? Fear? Shame? You can't work with an emotion until you can name it.
(Pro-tip: If the emotion is a 10/10, you might need to use a crisis survival skill first—like splashing cold water on your face—to bring the intensity down enough to think clearly. alternatively, signaling safety to yourself by pausing and slowing down, tuning into your body and trying to find a neutral, non threatening supportive inner resource.)
Step 2: Describe the Prompting Event. (Just the facts, please.)
What actually happened? Strip away all judgments, assumptions, and interpretations.
Not a fact: "My friend ignored me."
A fact: "I texted my friend at 10 AM, and I have not received a text back."
I’d like to acknowlegde here that this is typically not what we are used to as humans. We often have an urge when we are feeling intense emotions and can’t make this situation better, to act in a way that makes the situation worse. Emotions cause intense urges to use polarizing language, urges around actions and magnifying the situation. It’s why the saying, “feelings aren’t facts” can be both helpful and annoying.
Step 3: What Are Your Interpretations?
Now, get curious about the story you're telling yourself. What are your thoughts and assumptions about the event?
"They don't care about me."
"I must have done something wrong."
"They are intentionally disrespecting my time."
Could there be any other possible interpretations? Brainstorm them. Look at it from all angles. Are you jumping to a conclusion? I really like the rule of 3, which is if I can come up with 3 alternative scenarios that are equally likely then I am probably not correct in my assumption.
Step 4: Are You Assuming a Threat?
Our brains are wired to detect threats, but sometimes the alarm system is faulty. Ask yourself:
What is the actual probability of this threat coming true?
What happened last time I had this thought? Did the bad thing happen?
What are other, more likely outcomes?
Step 5: What's the Catastrophe?
Go there. Imagine the absolute worst-case scenario actually happens. Now, imagine yourself coping with it. What skills could you use? Could you problem-solve? Radically accept it? You are more resilient than you think, even in a catastrophe. Coping ahead can alleviate anxiety by front-loading it and giving an actual reality to the “what if BAD” thought.
Step 6: Does Your Emotion (and its Intensity) Fit the Facts?
This is the moment of truth. Look at the facts you laid out in Step 2. Does the emotion make sense?
Fear fits the facts when there is a real threat to your life or safety.
Anger fits the facts when an important goal is blocked or you are attacked.
Is your level of anger proportionate to the situation? Sometimes the emotion fits, but the intensity is dialed way too high. That's where you have the power to make a change.
Checking the facts is a practice. It won't feel natural at first. But with repetition, it becomes a powerful tool to free yourself from unnecessary emotional suffering and respond to life from a place of wisdom, not just reaction.
The task at hand when we are dysregulated is to get regulated (or at least slightly more regulated). When we can pause, contain and then separate the historical from the present moment we are better able to respond in measured and skillful ways.
Keep fighting the good fight.
xx
Meghan