Why Your "Help" Isn't Helping: Validation Matters.
Don't worry about it, you're fine!" How many times have we heard that well-intentioned, yet ultimately invalidating, phrase? It's like a reflex, right? We want to make people feel better, to brush their worries aside. But here's the thing: sometimes, "helping" isn't helpful at all.
Let me tell you a story I often share with my clients. Picture this: I'm out for dinner with a friend, and we've just ordered coffee. As she reaches for her cup, she accidentally spills it all over the table and herself. Immediately, she's flustered, embarrassed, wanting to disappear. "Oh my gosh," she says, "this is terrible! I can't believe I did that."
Now, if I asked you how to respond, what would you say? Most people jump to those familiar phrases: "Don't worry about it," "It's no big deal," "It's just a little coffee." But here's the YIKES moment: those responses, while well-meaning, are actually invalidating.
So, what is validation, really? It's more than just agreeing with someone. It's about acknowledging their experience, recognizing that their feelings and opinions are worthwhile. In DBT terms, it's understanding that their reactions have causes and therefore make sense. It's saying, "I see you. I get it. You make sense."
When we tell someone their feelings are "no big deal" when they clearly feel otherwise, we're dismissing their reality. And that, my friends, makes difficult situations even worse. Validation, on the other hand, sounds like: "I'm sorry you're embarrassed," or "I'd probably feel the same way," or "I understand why that's embarrassing."
Here's the magic: often, once people feel validated, they're better able to assess the situation themselves. They might even realize they were overreacting. But when we invalidate them, we shut down that process.
In my practice, I see people doing their best with the tools they have. And if they had better tools, they'd do even better. That's where validation comes in. It's like a "magic bullet," as I tell my groups. Once someone feels seen and heard, even disagreements land softer.
I learned this lesson firsthand years ago. My husband, before I was even trained in DBT, stopped me mid-sentence. I was offering all sorts of "helpful" solutions, and he said, "Meghan, you didn't even acknowledge what I said." Ouch. It was a humbling moment, realizing I often skipped straight to "fixing" without validating first.
But here's the truth: validation is the foundation. Problem-solving comes second. And honestly, people are often more capable of solving their own problems when they feel understood. How frustrating is it when someone throws out simplistic "solutions" you've already considered? "Why don't you just..." Ugh.
Even if people know we care, they need to hear it. That's the power of validation. And it's something Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, understood deeply. She believed validation is crucial.
Attention Helpers: Try These Validation Levels:
Level 1: Being Present: Listen without judgment. Just be there. It's harder than it sounds, but incredibly powerful.
Level 2: Accurate Reflection: Paraphrase their feelings and thoughts to show you're listening.
Level 3: Mind Reading: Guess what they might be feeling underneath. (And check if you're right!)
Level 4: Understanding Based on History: Recognize that their reactions make sense given their experiences.
Level 5: Normalization: Acknowledge that anyone in their situation would feel similarly.
Level 6: Radical Genuineness: Be authentic and treat them as an equal.
Level 4 is a game-changer. Even if you don't understand their reaction, can you understand why they would react that way? We all have reasons for our beliefs and behaviors. It doesn't mean we're always right, but it means we're human.
And remember, you can validate feelings without validating behaviors. "I see you're angry, and I understand why. But throwing chairs isn't okay."
Let's ditch the "don't worry about it" and embrace the power of validation. It's a game-changer for relationships, for communication, and for building a more compassionate world.
Keep fighting the goof fight,
xx Meghan