Therapy — Meghan Breen, LCSW Specialized Eating Disorder & Addiction Treatment in NYC

Well, “wrong” is a judgment, and one of the tenants of mindfulness practice is non-judgment, so no, the problem is not that you are doing it wrong. Although, judging ourselves and feeling wrong or not good enough is what gets in the way of doing a lot things that are beneficial to us. The biggest barrier to meditation is the belief that there is a right and a wrong way to meditate. The best mediation practice for you is the one that you do.

Dr. Ellen Langer, the first tenured female psychology professor at Harvard University and Mindfulness researcher for the last 35 years says, “Life consists only of moments, nothing more than that. So, if you make the moment matter, it all matters.”

When I start treatment with new clients one of the first things we work on is increased mindfulness, increased presence in the moment and decreased mindless, impulsive behaviors, or reactivity. For this blog, I am going to speak directly about meditation even though it is only one form of mindfulness. I am trying to stick to writing blogs that I would read myself, which means it can’t be aversively wordy.

“I’ve tried meditation, it’s not for me. I have a busy brain.”

Myth # 1:

Mediation is the art of being able to be completely still, thoughtless, and relaxed.

Sometimes that happens for a few moments. It likely happens more to folks who are dedicated to their meditation practice and have been practicing for a long time. If you have a busy brain, your meditation workout is even better. Since meditation is noticing your thoughts without attaching to them or judging them, and returning to the present moment over and over again; then the busier your brain, the more reps you are doing. The more repetition the stronger the muscle.

Like any other practice, it is not always the same. The ability to allow ourselves to be exactly where we are without having to fix it or change it, is likely one of the most beneficial skills an individual can poses. We practice this state of being present without needing to change anything, in part, to build exposure to tolerating discomfort. When life is not as we think it should be, and people are not behaving as we wish they would, is when we need increased tolerance and the ability to be non-reactive. We practice every day so when we need these skills, they are available to us.

Myth # 2:

Meditation should leave you feeling relaxed and/or peaceful.

This is true, sometimes, but at the beginning and even for seasoned practitioners, we notice we are feeling anxious, having a lot of thoughts or judgments, struggling with being present or staying focused, or having difficulty with sitting still. Feeling peaceful and relaxed is awesome, and we are often not given the perfect set of circumstances to be mindful, therefore practicing no matter how we feel is much more useful and practical for our daily lives. I don’t know about anybody else but I am usually pretty chill at home on my mediation pillow, it is when I am on the 4/5 train during rush hour that I need my mediation muscles.

Meditation is not always immediately reinforcing, if you know how it feels to go back to the gym after taking more than 20 days off, you know that initial workout is not you living your best life. And after about a week or so, you feel back on track and exercise is your friend again. It is always easier to stay on track than it is to get on track, and there is an initial getting on track that must happen.

Mediation is like medication, you don’t always notice the effects right away, the practice has to get into your bloodstream. I usually experience the benefits of my mediation practice in moments, in increased capacity to detach, accept, and allow life and circumstances to be exactly as they are, especially when I don’t agree with them. I joke with my clients that being skillful when emotionally dysregulated is like trying to do your taxes while you are being chased by a lion. We need to learn the skills, build the muscle, have exposure to tolerating discomfort so we can use them when we need them.

Meditation Starter Kit

Start with something realistic and manageable. I usually suggest 3-5 minutes. Transcendental Meditation is incredible and I have many colleagues and friends who swear by it, but 20 minutes twice a day is not where most people start. Let’s start where you are, the best practice for you is the one that you do.
Pick a time of day, be consistent and gentle: It is important to be consistent when trying to build a habit and it is equally important to be flexible and forgiving. First thing in the morning when you wake up, during your morning commute on the train, right when you get home for the day, or before going to bed. It is helpful to pair the new practice with a habit you already have, for example if you journal in the morning, you can meditate for 3 minutes right before you journal.
DO YOU: Find a practice that works for you. Don’t compare yourself to other people or judge yourself. Some people really like guided meditation practices, while others like to focus on their breath in silence. I have clients who love using mantras or inhaling a word and exhaling another word, for example inhale peace, exhale fear. Find what works for you, start where you are, and practice every day. Remain flexible, because “what works for you” will change. Stick with it, you got this.

My favorite Meditation apps are Calm, Headspace, and Buddhify

7 Self-Care Tips to Cope and Heal Together with #MeToo: Feel - Deal - Heal Find your Tribe, Love Them Hard.

Limited Exposure: We cannot control A LOT of things, but we can choose how we engage. It is difficult when trauma symptoms arise not to behave in impulsive ways and react in the moment. Set aside a social media time, give yourself a time limit and stick to it. Then when it is not the allotted social media time, you are on a social media break. Stick to it. Feelings fade over time, if they are not re-stimulated. Think of every time you read an article, repeat a story, engage in conversation as re-firing. It is important to talk about it, and it is important to protect yourself.
Safe People: Shame depends on you subscribing to the belief that you are alone, don't be alone with this. Safety is greatly impacted by exposure to traumatic events. Be mindful of how you feel around certain people, if people are judging you or telling you that you are overreacting, they are not your people right now. Everyone has a different experience, and you are the only expert on your experience. Surround yourself with people who are supportive and validating. Connect with others who can relate with your experience, identification and "me too" conversations are some of the most healing and validating experiences.
Therapy: There are many incredible therapies and therapists who specialize in trauma treatment. These modalities include: Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Prolonged Exposure (PE), Neurofeedback, and Emotional Freedom Techniques also known as Tapping (EFT). Therapy can be a great resource for working through trauma and also a space to reality test and validate the rollercoaster of emotions you are feeling. Make sure you find a therapist who specializes in the treatment of trauma.
Self-Care Plan: Have a plan. We often call them "coping kits" in my office. Three things you can do when you feel overwhelmed by emotions. Know what those three things are before you are overwhelmed by emotions. The tricky thing about traumatic memories is when they are activated it feels like it is happening right now, in this very moment. The part of your brain that does the thinking shuts down and you are in fight/flight/freeze. Trying to be skillful in the middle of a trauma response, is like trying to do your taxes while you are being chased by a bear. By mapping out the plan in advance, you don't have to think in these moments, you can just act.
The More You Know, Knowledge is Power: As a trauma therapist, the first order of business is psychoeducation. It is incredibly validating to understand why and where some of your experiences come from and that they are neurobiologically indicated and normal responses to trauma. Learning about the impact of trauma on your brain and therefore your behavior can be very shame reducing for people who are having a lot of judgments and feeling critical of themselves. My favorite book is The Body Keeps the Score, By Bessel van der Kolk who is a clinician, researcher, and trauma expert. Here are a couple more Trauma reads.
Non-judgment and Self Compassion: You are doing the best you can. Trauma is not rational, be gentle with yourself and others. If you need to change the expectations of your functioning for a few days, DO. Do less, be easy, get what you need. Your healing isn't linear.
Own it, this is your story and your life: Figure out a way to reclaim the traumatic experience. Shame exists in isolation, and then begets more and more shame. Brene' Brown says, “The less you talk about it, the more you got it. Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.” Speak the shame, tell your story and get reality testing from people you trust. This can be in therapy, rewriting the narrative and meaning, joining an action focused group or ally ship for survivors, writing about your experience, etc. There is not one-size fits all approach here, you have to find what works for you and then own it. You are not alone and you are a survivor.