Judgement is a topic I talk about a lot, and there are 4 important things we need to know when considering why judgment is hard to treat and how is functions and maintains itself in our lives.
- Control: Judgment is like worry in that it feels a productive and gives us a sense of control.
- Protection: Judgment protects us from vulnerable feelings. Judgment is a thought process that keeps us in our heads and out of our bodies. It makes us feel distance from our emotions as we can intellectualize our experience from above rather than connect with it face to face. Softer feelings are hard for a lot of people to connect with, and judgment is a sure-fire way to stay just above the surface.
- Connection: People who struggle with intimacy and have social anxiety use judgment and being judgmental of situations and people to manufacture connection and closeness. It serves as a commonality which gives people a sense of belonging. We can have judgment about this function, but it is something that happens a lot and serves a purpose that is very reinforcing.
- A Break. We notice that people who are the most judgmental are usually the most self-judgmental people and struggle with harsh self-talk and expectations. The judgement of others acts as the only break they have from their own internal judgment.
When we can see judgment as a behavior, something we do and engage in rather than as a characteristic or personality trait we can work with it. We can practice non-judgment and we can have compassion for all the ways judgement offers us valid reasons for its continued existence and appearance in our lives. We can notice the judgment and be curious, is there something I don’t want to feel right now? Am I feeling particularly self-critical today and need a break?
Non-judgment is a critical practice in emotion regulation. When we consider the impact judgment has on the way we view reality, it is essential to our ability to see things clearly. If we are looking at the goal of staying regulated, then being nonjudgmental is a key practice to staying in reality as it is. If we can consider the use of judgment to essentially give us loads of dirty data that we then react to, it is a fundamental in our ability to discern and engage with life and relationships skillfully. Nonjudgment is a practice, be mindful not to judge your judgment too harshly.
Here are 3 ways you can start your practice today:
- Track: Pay attention to your judgments. Notice how much of your day-to-day thoughts are judgmental. Then, don’t judge them. Labeling our thoughts as judgments brings the judgment into awareness where we can change it and modify our reaction to it.
- Describe: when you are talking or thinking, use neutral descriptive language. Just the facts, as we say in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we can stay in the reality of what is happening and out of what we think or feel about it. Narrate, describe, stay neutral.
- Curiosity: Judgment is a lot like worry, it feels productive and serves as a protection against more vulnerable feelings. When we can notice the judgment as a flag to check in with ourselves and be curious about what we may be avoiding we can pause and say, “what is underneath?” or “Is there more to this?” or “What is going on for me?”
Now, practice, practice, practice.