When We Don't Have Hard Conversations, We Have Hard Relationships: If You Are Lost, DEARMAN Is A Map.

Let's be real, having difficult conversations is hard! One of the reasons people avoid hard conversations and conflict in general is because in order to feel competent and skilled in challenging conversations we need to have the skillset, exposure, and practice.  Since most people answer "how did you handle the hard stuff growing up," say, "uh, we didn't really." or some version of indirectly if at all, there are generations of indiviudals who have gone their whole adult life not having effective, direct conversations.  If we don't have hard conversations, we will likely have hard relationships. Below is a breakdown, this framework gives you a map, a way to stay on track and opportunities to focus on the "I" perspective which supports hard conversations without blaming or activating defensiveness. These conversations will still be hard, but they will get less hard the more you have them.

DEARMAN is an acronym used to outline a communication skill set commonly employed in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It is specifically designed to assist individuals in expressing their needs, desires, and boundaries effectively while maintaining healthy relationships. DEARMAN can be used in various situations, including:

1. Requesting: It helps individuals assertively and clearly express their requests to others. This can involve asking for support, accommodations, or specific actions from someone else.

2. Negotiating: DEARMAN aids individuals in navigating and finding mutually agreeable solutions during conflicts or disagreements. It promotes collaboration and compromise, enabling effective negotiation and problem-solving.

3. Setting boundaries: It assists individuals in communicating and enforcing personal boundaries, ensuring that their needs and limits are respected by others. DEARMAN can be helpful when addressing situations where boundaries have been crossed or compromised.

4. Expressing emotions: DEARMAN facilitates the expression of emotions in a constructive and assertive manner. It helps individuals communicate their feelings, concerns, or frustrations effectively without resorting to aggression or avoidance.

5. Making requests for change: DEARMAN can be utilized to advocate for personal or systemic change. It assists individuals in expressing their desire for change and addressing issues that impact their well-being or the well-being of others.

This is the nuts and bolts of DEARMAN, use this in your next hard conversation and make sure to let me know how it goes! 

🔹 Describe: Start by objectively describing the situation or issue at hand. Stick to the facts and avoid making assumptions or judgments. By setting a clear foundation, both parties can understand the context of the conversation.

🔹 Express: Share your feelings and thoughts using "I" statements. Articulate your emotions and experiences without blaming or attacking the other person. Honest self-expression fosters understanding and encourages a more empathetic response.

🔹 Assert: Clearly state your needs, wants, or boundaries. Be assertive, but also respectful. Communicate what you expect or desire from the conversation, ensuring that your message is heard and understood.

🔹 Reinforce: Reinforce your reasons and provide evidence to support your perspective. Help the other person understand the impact of the situation and why it is important for you to address it. Reinforcement helps build understanding and empathy.

🔹 Mindful: Stay mindful of your goals and the bigger picture. Avoid getting sidetracked by unrelated issues or personal attacks. Focus on the purpose of the conversation and keep your communication aligned with your intended outcomes.

🔹 Appear Confident: Exude confidence through your body language, tone, and words. This reassures the other person that you are serious and committed to resolving the issue. Confidence can create a positive environment for open and productive dialogue.

🔹 Negotiate: Be open to finding a mutually beneficial solution. Listen actively to the other person's perspective, and work together to find common ground. Embrace compromise and flexibility to reach a resolution that respects both parties' needs.

I encourage my people to write this out and get as comfortable with it as possible, you can even roleplay with your therapist or a safe friend. Good luck, you got this.

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