Surviving the Holidays: A Three-Step Guide to a Mindful, Effective Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, a day often centered around feasting and family, can pose challenges for those with eating disorders or anyone striving for a more intentional celebration. Here's a concise three-step guide to help you navigate the holiday with grace and self-compassion. 

We need an anchor, a mantra, and an exit strategy. Family and holidays are T-O-U-G-H! We got this.

1. Anchor Your Intentions: Establish a firm anchor, a guiding principle that keeps you aligned with your endgame. Think of it as your North Star, steering you back to your goals when faced with holiday temptations. Whether it's a specific eating plan, a commitment to self-care, or a focus on meaningful connection, let this anchor be your steadfast guide. This is your overall objective; how do I want to feel at the end of this? What do I want to prioritize? Who and how to I want to show up?

2. Embrace a Mantra: You know I love a good mantra for getting and staying skillful. Connect your anchor with a mantra—a short, powerful phrase that brings you back to the present moment. This mantra should resonate with your intentions for the holiday, reinforcing your commitment and mindfulness. When faced with challenges, repeat your mantra to ground yourself and stay the course. People are going to say things that may throw you, ask about something that may be triggering, politics, and general discomfort will arise. Family and holidays are T-O-U-G-H! Your Mantra is your grounding force evoking your highest self, and most important intention.  

3. Have an Exit Strategy: Acknowledge that, despite the best plans, we can't control every aspect of the holiday gathering. Have a clear exit strategy in case things take an unexpected turn. This could mean excusing yourself for a moment of solitude, reaching out to a supportive friend, or simply taking a breather to recalibrate. An exit strategy provides a safety net, allowing you to maintain control over your well-being. The most important reason we have an exit strategy is to give us agency and ownership over our experience. 

Putting It Into Practice:

• Anchor: Define your non-negotiables and recovery behaviors. Decide in advance what conversations, topics, foods and behaviors you will and won't indulge in. Having a plan beforehand ensures you're not making impulsive decisions in the moment. 
• Mantra: Develop a simple, empowering mantra connected to your anchor. For example, "I am in control of my choices" or “I can handle this” or "Nourishing my body is an act of self-love." Repeat it as needed to reinforce your commitment.
• Exit Strategy: Plan your response for unexpected challenges. Whether it's a quick walk outside, a moment of deep breathing, a call to a trusted friend, an exit strategy allows you to regroup and stay true to your intentions. 

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Cultivating Self-Compassion: A Guide to Embracing Your Imperfections

Are you feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, the pressure of perfectionism, and the relentless demand to keep up in today's fast-paced, ever-changing world? You're not alone. It's okay to acknowledge that life can be hard, and sometimes, we're our harshest critics. In this blog post, we'll delve into the concept of self-compassion and explore practical practices to start incorporating into your daily life, today. This series offers practical, daily skills to help harness some of the most effective self care practices. Sign up for my newsletter to get pinged when there are new skills to learn and practice!

Understanding Self-Compassion

Self-compassion, in its essence, is about treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that you would offer to a good friend. Being kind to ourselves, *especially* when we have made mistakes, feel shame, or harsh criticism. It involves recognizing your own suffering, acknowledging your imperfections, and embracing your humanity. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher in self-compassion, outlines three core tenets of self-compassion:

1. Self-Kindness: This means being warm, understanding, and forgiving toward yourself when you make mistakes or face challenges. Instead of harsh self-criticism, offer yourself the same gentle words you'd offer a friend in a similar situation.

2. Common Humanity: Realize that you are not alone in your struggles. Every person faces difficulties and imperfections in life; it's a shared human experience. By acknowledging this, you can feel more connected to others. This is also level 5 validation which says, "anyone experiencing what I am would be handling it similarly to this."

3. Mindfulness: Practice self-compassion by being mindful of your emotions and experiences. Be present with your feelings and thoughts without judgment. This allows you to step back from negative emotions and view them with greater clarity. Separate your narratives and fears from the moment you are in and view yourself with a beginners mind.

Practical Practice: The Self-Compassion Letter

Now that you have a grasp of the core principles of self-compassion, let's explore a practical exercise to start incorporating into your daily life. This practice is known as the "Self-Compassion Letter."

Steps to Writing a Self-Compassion Letter:

Find a Quiet Space: Choose a quiet, comfortable place where you won't be interrupted.

Begin with Mindfulness: Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Focus on your emotions and thoughts in the present moment. Allow any negative feelings to surface without judgment.

Write to Yourself: Address a letter to yourself, as if you were writing to a dear friend who is experiencing the same challenges or feelings you are. Start with a compassionate and understanding tone.

Acknowledge Pain: Describe the specific difficulties you are facing, and acknowledge your suffering. Use kind and validating language to express your feelings.

Offer Comfort and Understanding: In your letter, respond to your own pain as if you were consoling a friend. Emphasize self-kindness and empathy. Remind yourself that it's okay to make mistakes and have imperfections, just like everyone else.

Common Humanity: Highlight the shared human experience. Recognize that you are not alone in your struggles, and many others face similar challenges.

Forgive and Let Go: Offer forgiveness to yourself and let go of any self-criticism or judgment. Reiterate your support and understanding.

End with Gratitude: Conclude your letter with words of self-love and gratitude. Express appreciation for your own resilience and the strength it takes to face difficulties.

Read Your Letter Aloud: After writing your self-compassion letter, read it aloud to yourself. Allow the words to sink in and offer comfort.

This self-compassion practice can be a transformative step towards embracing your own imperfections and building a kinder, more compassionate relationship with yourself. Remember, it's okay to be human, to stumble, and to feel pain. By practicing self-compassion, you not only nurture your own well-being but also strengthen your capacity to connect with and support others.

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When We Don't Have Hard Conversations, We Have Hard Relationships: If You Are Lost, DEARMAN Is A Map.

Let's be real, having difficult conversations is hard! One of the reasons people avoid hard conversations and conflict in general is because in order to feel competent and skilled in challenging conversations we need to have the skillset, exposure, and practice.  Since most people answer "how did you handle the hard stuff growing up," say, "uh, we didn't really." or some version of indirectly if at all, there are generations of indiviudals who have gone their whole adult life not having effective, direct conversations.  If we don't have hard conversations, we will likely have hard relationships. Below is a breakdown, this framework gives you a map, a way to stay on track and opportunities to focus on the "I" perspective which supports hard conversations without blaming or activating defensiveness. These conversations will still be hard, but they will get less hard the more you have them.

DEARMAN is an acronym used to outline a communication skill set commonly employed in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It is specifically designed to assist individuals in expressing their needs, desires, and boundaries effectively while maintaining healthy relationships. DEARMAN can be used in various situations, including:

1. Requesting: It helps individuals assertively and clearly express their requests to others. This can involve asking for support, accommodations, or specific actions from someone else.

2. Negotiating: DEARMAN aids individuals in navigating and finding mutually agreeable solutions during conflicts or disagreements. It promotes collaboration and compromise, enabling effective negotiation and problem-solving.

3. Setting boundaries: It assists individuals in communicating and enforcing personal boundaries, ensuring that their needs and limits are respected by others. DEARMAN can be helpful when addressing situations where boundaries have been crossed or compromised.

4. Expressing emotions: DEARMAN facilitates the expression of emotions in a constructive and assertive manner. It helps individuals communicate their feelings, concerns, or frustrations effectively without resorting to aggression or avoidance.

5. Making requests for change: DEARMAN can be utilized to advocate for personal or systemic change. It assists individuals in expressing their desire for change and addressing issues that impact their well-being or the well-being of others.

This is the nuts and bolts of DEARMAN, use this in your next hard conversation and make sure to let me know how it goes! 

🔹 Describe: Start by objectively describing the situation or issue at hand. Stick to the facts and avoid making assumptions or judgments. By setting a clear foundation, both parties can understand the context of the conversation.

🔹 Express: Share your feelings and thoughts using "I" statements. Articulate your emotions and experiences without blaming or attacking the other person. Honest self-expression fosters understanding and encourages a more empathetic response.

🔹 Assert: Clearly state your needs, wants, or boundaries. Be assertive, but also respectful. Communicate what you expect or desire from the conversation, ensuring that your message is heard and understood.

🔹 Reinforce: Reinforce your reasons and provide evidence to support your perspective. Help the other person understand the impact of the situation and why it is important for you to address it. Reinforcement helps build understanding and empathy.

🔹 Mindful: Stay mindful of your goals and the bigger picture. Avoid getting sidetracked by unrelated issues or personal attacks. Focus on the purpose of the conversation and keep your communication aligned with your intended outcomes.

🔹 Appear Confident: Exude confidence through your body language, tone, and words. This reassures the other person that you are serious and committed to resolving the issue. Confidence can create a positive environment for open and productive dialogue.

🔹 Negotiate: Be open to finding a mutually beneficial solution. Listen actively to the other person's perspective, and work together to find common ground. Embrace compromise and flexibility to reach a resolution that respects both parties' needs.

I encourage my people to write this out and get as comfortable with it as possible, you can even roleplay with your therapist or a safe friend. Good luck, you got this.

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Breaking the Cycle of Self-Invalidation: 5 Tips for Fighting Back!

Validation is defined as “the act of making or declaring something officially acceptable; or recognition/affirmation that a person, their feelings, or opinions are worthwhile.”  In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy it is the acknowledgment of another's experience and feelings as having causes and therefore being understandable.  In other words, validation is: that makes sense, YOU make sense; I see you.  

A very common challenge I see everyday, is identifying and then challenging self invalidation. Very simply stated self invalidation is: “I don’t make sense, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Who I am, the way I am is unacceptable to me.” Identifying self invalidation is very difficult because it is so much a part of people's common self-talk track and therefore is syntonic in their minds.  These thoughts are passing through without getting flagged, questioned or challenged.  The long term effects of self invalidation is shame. Rather than seeing our actions as being behaviors we wish we hadn't engaged in, we see our mistakes as being innate in us, pathological and unchangeable. This distinction matters in a major way. Guilt says, "I made a mistake," and shame says "I am a mistake."

Self invalidation looks like; “Why am I having such a hard time, I don’t know what my deal is.” Or as I like to tout, basically any sentence starting with “I need to just,” or “I should  just,” these sentences infer that if we could just try harder or take a simple action then everything would be different. This is almost never true, usually when we struggle it’s because something is getting in the damn way. The notion that we need to just try harder is a myth, and has never been responsible for being what actually changes peoples behavior. When folks really want something in their lives to be different and they are trying to make it so, the answer is not they aren’t trying hard enough, the answer is something is wrong.

Validation is an emotion regulation tool. To say, “of course I feel overwhelmed, this is overwhelming!” Can decrease distress and dysregulation.  Whereas invalidation increases distress, dysregulation, and isolation.

 HOW TO FIGHT BACK:

1. Observe your self-talk: Are you very self critical, judgmental, or place unrealistic expectations on yourself? Don't judge the judgment, practice usuing neutral language to shift the expereince to a less activating one.
2. Recognize and label invalidation: “I should” or “I need to just,” are clues that something invalidating is about to follow. When you hear these words you can say, "this is invalidating, I don't actually need to just do something I need to do a lot of somethings."
3. Replace: The invalidating thought or statement with a question. Be curious. Just because you may not understand why something is happening doesn’t mean it isn’t valid and coming from somewhere deep. Try to make sense of it. You know yourself, your history, your belief system, there is always a reason we experience the world in the way that we do. When we understand it we can actually change it at the root and impact effective changes.
4. Be Gentle: You are doing the best you can. Change, progress, and forward movement are not possible in a judgmental, abusive mind. Say, "I am handling this, this is hard for me."
5. Pass it on: Notice invalidation in your friends and family, encourage them to be mindful of their invalidating comments. Then you can fight back together, and support each other.  

Beyond Labels: Embracing Non-Judgment in a Judgmental World

Judgement is a topic I talk about a lot, and there are 4 important things we need to know when considering why judgment is hard to treat and how is functions and maintains itself in our lives.

1. Control: Judgment is like worry in that it feels a productive and gives us a sense of control. 
2. Protection: Judgment protects us from vulnerable feelings. Judgment is a thought process that keeps us in our heads and out of our bodies. It makes us feel distance from our emotions as we can intellectualize our experience from above rather than connect with it face to face. Softer feelings are hard for a lot of people to connect with, and judgment is a sure-fire way to stay just above the surface.
3. Connection: People who struggle with intimacy and have social anxiety use judgment and being judgmental of situations and people to manufacture connection and closeness. It serves as a commonality which gives people a sense of belonging. We can have judgment about this function, but it is something that happens a lot and serves a purpose that is very reinforcing.
4. A Break. We notice that people who are the most judgmental are usually the most self-judgmental people and struggle with harsh self-talk and expectations. The judgement of others acts as the only break they have from their own internal judgment.

 When we can see judgment as a behavior, something we do and engage in rather than as a characteristic or personality trait we can work with it. We can practice non-judgment and we can have compassion for all the ways judgement offers us valid reasons for its continued existence and appearance in our lives. We can notice the judgment and be curious, is there something I don’t want to feel right now? Am I feeling particularly self-critical today and need a break?

 Non-judgment is a critical practice in emotion regulation. When we consider the impact judgment has on the way we view reality, it is essential to our ability to see things clearly.  If we are looking at the goal of staying regulated, then being nonjudgmental is a key practice to staying in reality as it is.  If we can consider the use of judgment to essentially give us loads of dirty data that we then react to, it is a fundamental in our ability to discern and engage with life and relationships skillfully. Nonjudgment is a practice, be mindful not to judge your judgment too harshly.

Here are 3 ways you can start your practice today:

1. Track: Pay attention to your judgments. Notice how much of your day-to-day thoughts are judgmental. Then, don’t judge them. Labeling our thoughts as judgments brings the judgment into awareness where we can change it and modify our reaction to it.
2. Describe: when you are talking or thinking, use neutral descriptive language. Just the facts, as we say in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we can stay in the reality of what is happening and out of what we think or feel about it. Narrate, describe, stay neutral.
3. Curiosity: Judgment is a lot like worry, it feels productive and serves as a protection against more vulnerable feelings. When we can notice the judgment as a flag to check in with ourselves and be curious about what we may be avoiding we can pause and say, “what is underneath?” or “Is there more to this?” or “What is going on for me?”

 Now, practice, practice, practice.